From codependency to healthy relationships

WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?

Codependency is when a person relies enormously on another person, emotionally or psychologically. Most of the people who are codependent are not even aware of their unconscious beliefs (or, of their subconscious programming) that are driving them to excessively seek validation, love or approval from others. If you are codependent you are usually extremely focused on people-pleasing at your own expense. You are so preoccupied with what’s best for everyone else and with what you can do for everyone else, that you never bother to ask yourself what you need, how you feel, or what you think.

Healthy self-love is about having that inner dialogue with yourself to discover what you need, how you feel, what would be best for you, etc. It’s about being a responsible adult for yourself and taking care of your own self. It’s about motivating, soothing, pleasing yourself, validating your feelings and honoring them, and much more. You must be able to fill yourself up.

However, most people were not taught how to do that or maybe were not given what they needed as a child, emotionally. They were neglected on many levels, emotionally, by their parents or caretakers. This does not mean that their parents or caretakers were bad or abusive. They probably were lovely but simply unable to connect to their children emotionally, to validate them for whatever feelings they were having in order for these children to know how to do that as adults. Therefore, this led to the children being programmed for codependency.

As a codependent, in your subconscious, the program runs on the belief that in order to receive love or approval you must do this or that or behave a specific way or worry about everyone else but yourself. You probably ran on this program most of your life and never asked yourself what you need or how you feel. And, even if you do ask yourself these questions you are not firm about it because you don’t have the proper level of self-love or self-confidence to be able to do that.

You probably fear rejection or abandonment if you assert yourself and tell people what you think and how you truly feel. Or, maybe you fear that the people you express your needs and feelings to may not be able to give you what you need emotionally or respect your boundaries. Regardless of the fears you have, when you live in a place of fear where you don’t want to tell people what you think or how you feel you must recognize that you are doing certain things to seek something. You are behaving a certain way to seek that this person will like you, love you or give you what you should be giving to yourself (love, attention, appreciation, etc). Acknowledging that you are doing something to seek something from others is the first step towards healing from codependency.

The next step is about being able to give what you seek from others to yourself. Whether someone gives you love or approval or someone rejects or abandons you, you are left with just yourself. So, you need to be able to fill yourself up. And, that starts with having a dialogue with yourself. It has to do with you being able to soothe yourself, validate your own feelings. Regardless of what you are feeling, do not judge it, just feel it and validate it as you have a right to feel however you feel. Tell yourself that it is okay to feel what you are feeling.

The step after that is about going through the feeling in a healthy way, feeling it and asking yourself how do you want to feel, do you want to stay in that feeling or do you want to feel something else. You are your own responsibility. Your happiness is your own responsibility. You don’t need anyone to validate, agree with or like you. You must like yourself. You must take care of yourself.

Other signs of codependency include: struggling with saying no, setting boundaries and enforcing them, difficulty identifying your wants and needs, the need to fix people, everyone’s problems becoming your problems to solve or doing things you don’t want to do, most of the time. You exhaust yourself, which could lead you to feel angry, bitter and resentful if people don’t do the same for you or the people you help are still unhappy with your help or ungrateful. You must stop. It is not your job to overexert yourself to put other people’s needs and wants before your own all the time. I am not saying to stop helping others but it is all about balance. If you are often saying ‘no’ to your needs to say ‘yes’ to another person’s needs it is unhealthy.

The need for perfectionism could also be a sign of codependency: telling yourself that if all is perfect, if you are perfect, if you make the right decisions, you won’t feel pain and everyone will like you and you’ll have the happiness you want and get the love you want because you are doing the right thing and you are a good girl/guy, doing the right thing to receive love, approval or validation from people while neglecting your own needs and desires. For example, if someone asks you to do something you say yes without even asking yourself whether or not you want to do it. Or, if you do ask yourself whether or not you want to do it and the answer is no, you do it anyway.

The fear of someone leaving or abandoning you, while thinking you will not be ok if that happens, correlates with codependency. This fear usually stems from childhood, where you might have been abandoned by one of your parents or caretakers, physically or emotionally. They let you down either by not doing what they said they would, by not being where they said they would be, or by not allowing you to feel what you feel, which triggered the fear of reliving that again, that disappointment again.

To ensure you don’t lose people by them leaving, abandoning or rejecting you, you do whatever it takes to avoid that: tolerating bad behavior, abuse, neglect, accepting disrespect, allowing people to walk all over you, letting people violate your boundaries and not saying anything.

You don’t stand up for yourself because you lack the self-confidence to say to people: “hey, this is what I need out of the relationship. If you cannot give that to me it’s ok but you need to leave my life (or stay at a distance) and I will be ok because I can take care of myself…there is nothing I seek from you that I am not already giving to myself…I put myself first, my happiness comes first no matter how much I love or care about you.” This can be applied to any type of relationship: friendship, love, work relations, family, neighbors, strangers, etc. A relationship is a two-way street.

HOW TO HEAL

Know what you want and need.

Become comfortable with feeling very uncomfortable telling people what you truly want and think.

Stand up for yourself, in spite of what others may think.

Put yourself first (just like when they say to put the mask on yourself first on the airplane before helping others put it on). Put yourself first, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically… If you don’t take care of yourself you cannot take care of others well. How will you take care of others when you are unwell, sick, injured, dead?

Let go of the need to solve people’s problems for them. They must learn to solve their problems and learn their own lessons. They are on their own journey. Let them be on their journey. Let them experience their own choices. Don’t give advice unless you are asked.

Cultivate self-love and self-care. Ask yourself how you are doing, what do you need. And if you need to communicate these answers to the people around you do it even if you are uncomfortable.

Become comfortable with alone time.

Let go of what you cannot change or control.

Gentle reminder: “You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”